Om jag älskar.

Det är kallt och jag är ensam igen.

I mitt städade hem ligger luften tjock av tomhet.

Jag vill inte bråka med den jag älskar.

Jag vill att du ska förstå.

Jag kan inte förklara kärlek.

Om jag älskar dig så älskar jag.

Jag finns här för dig.

Jag vill visa dig.

Det finns ingen anledning.

Om vi älskar varann, varför slösa bort det?

Jag vill inte förlora den jag älskar.

Jag vill kunna lita på dig.

Jag kan inte förklara kärlek.

Om jag älskar dig så älskar jag.

Jag väntar här på dig.

Jag vill träffa dig.

Din röst som sa "Jag älskar dig".

Jag vill tro på den.

Ge inte upp.

Det finns något för oss två.

Du såg det i din dröm.

Jag kan inte förklara kärlek.

Om jag älskar dig så älskar jag.

Jag ser ditt namn där.

Jag vill trösta dig.

Jag vill älska dig.

Love tarot reading.

There are reasons to be suspicious of blatant contradictions. In this light, someone is skimming the surface because they do not want you to get too close or know them too well. They are the proverbial dance-away lover and you should heed their warning. Hold onto your heartstrings and keep the relationship light. The two of you have to have a serious talk if your partner is guilty of the above as well.

A clean home.

Makes me feel so alone.

I don't want to be alone.

Sad.

I'll try.

You shouldn't try to control aggression with peaceful intensions, because this can subsequently cause even more violence. When violent people realize that you won't fight back they take it as sign of weakness instead of understanding that you have evolved past this type of behavior.

I always do that.

So how should I handle situations like that?

Scream and fight back?

That doesn't seem right either.

Love tarot reading.

The Star represents the end of a previous journey and the beginning of delight. When the Star chooses you it tells of a more balanced course that is something more agreeable than the rollercoaster ride you have been on. Just be careful what you wish for, because the Star is the promise of wishes fulfilled. It is the card of second chances. Or if you didn't or do not take them, third chances.

I wish it is true.

2h sleep. Waking up to massive heartbreak.

Today my heart died for a few minutes.

I could actually feel it break.

It felt like my lungs were collapsing.

Panic.

Can't remember ever feeling so scared. Love is really the scariest thing for me.

But I decided a while ago to face my fear.

Living safe and not taking any chances isn't really living.

I realized that.

I can't be afraid of being pathetic.

I have to risk something to gain something.

Someone has my heart and I want him to have it.

He has all the power right now.

Creepy dream.

I had a dream that I was slowly lifting from my bed. My legs were lifting like I was levitating by the power of my mind. Then suddenly something pulled me by my legs half way down my bed. Since I have a ghost in my appartment occationaly this is something I believe could really happen. Hah.

Anyway, when I had been pulled in my dream I was partially awake and it felt so real. I tried to shake off the invisible hands holding my legs because they were preventing me from moving. It was creepy because I couldn't move. I know this is because of sleep paralasys but in my dream it was because it was still holding my legs. When I woke up fully I realized I was still in the normal position in my bed. I was pretty relieved. Haha.

After that I had a funny, wierd dream about my bf living in a trailer. lol

It was a long dream but unfourtunately I didn't get to finish it because my dad called and woke me up. When I woke up and had to answer the phone I forgot most of the dream. >.<

Well, I guess I'll have more chances to dream about him. ^^

Now time to get ready for going to pick up dads computer.

Wow. creativity, welcome!

I entered into one of my creativity spurts a few days ago.

Somehow I was able to come up with a great new design for rings. It's like whole ring design concept. Starting out I made rings for women but I guess my boyfriends love for jewelry is what made me think this design could be made for men too.

Since I started making jewelry I have always wanted to make something that could also be worn by men. I'm happy that I now have. :D

I believe my rings have a unique design and concept. They are unisex but I design them for men. I love my new rings! I'm proud of myself. ^^

The rings are made from round leather chords. I tie in silver beads and make decorative knots. The chord wraps around the finger so that the ring is "double". Because of this design the rings can be worn in different ways. That makes it possible for the wearer to change the rings design slightly by himself. As usual all of my rings are unique. Same basic design but all slightly different.

One problem is that I'm not yet sure how big I should make them. My fingers are tiny and not a good model for making rings for men. I designed them a little thicker than my thumb now. I hope that will work. I hope they will fit someone. Haha.

December wraps it's cold around me.

Wishing for snow.

Christmas is almost here.

Soon it's a new year too.

I will go into it believing in dreams coming true.

<3

Interesting dream.

I had a dream last night that I was looking at drawings by someone.

They were the type of drawings that can be seen as two different things.

Like optical illusions.

The drawings in my dream were really cool but I have never seen them before in real life.

I just wish I could remember them.

This makes me feel like I have the potential to create really cool things but when I'm concious I can't find those ideas in myself.

My brain showed them to me last night so apparently I have good ideas in there somewhere.

I only remember one of the drawings, still a bit vaguely though.

It was two cats that could also be seen as mushroom clouds over the horizon.

However, I am aware that sometimes something seems to make more sense in dreams.

When you think about it in reality it just doesn't work.

I have had dreams before about writing really good songs.

But I forgot them when I woke up.

Wish I could live more in dreams.

Reality sucks most of the time.

For a minute, I lost myself.

I thought it was going too fast but I just went along with it.

Turns out that was not a good idea.

But it's ok.

Once in a while, to dream.

And live in that dream for a little while.

Now I'm back to reality and it feels better.

I feel calm.

I can let it go.

Tonight I'm sending my wish out to the universe.

I can wait for it to come true.

I know it will someday.

Then maybe I'll be swept away again.

But that's another story.

How does it know? :O

Daily numeroscope: 3

If you haven't explored the possibilities when it comes to making money from your creative talents, Three, today is a good day to check things out. The vibration of an Eight day can have your entrepreneurial side going in full swing. Consider researching the local outlets in your community that sell the things you create. Many Flea Markets and Farmer's Markets feature handcrafted items and there are an infinite number of seasonal sales in which you could become involved. There's also the possibility of selling your wares through the Internet. Explore your options today and see what you can do.

Does he really...?

YOUR ANSWER: YES
Sometimes it is better to lie then to hurt someone's feelings. Telling the truth is a good general rule, but there are times when the truth serves no purpose beyond hurting a person, as in the case of someone saying something mean about their lover when they were under the influence of nonsense - they don't mean it, and will regret saying it.

I want it.

Can I just get a chance?

I'm sick of being so unsure.

Can't things just be simple?

I trust you, you trust me.

Not gonna give up so easily.

I've found something so good.

<3

Ok, that's it.

Warning lights are on. Defences going up.

How could I think this time would be any different?

Party tomorrow.

Gonna dress up as a vampire I think. lol

Wah, I feel a bit stressed today.

Tomorrow my mom's coming over to help me clean. XD

Ok, yeah, I guess I need it.

I'm getting a visitor next week so I have to clean.

That reminds me I haven't checked on couchsurfing.org for a while.

Meeting people from other countries is fun so I should try to host more for couchsurfers.

Feels so good to have the day off tomorrow. And then only work two days next week. :D

Today I'm wearing fake glasses. People think I'm wierd but I like my glasses. I think I look really cute in them. :P

My halloween costume and my friend Majsan. I won second place for best costume at the party and then I took a walk downtown and had lots of people greet and bow to me. lol

So much fun. I wish I could dress like that every day! ;)

Maiko wig.

I was up all night making this!

I'm really happy with it though. :D

Plastic hair is so difficult to work with. Impossible to comb. >.<

I couldn't make it into the traditional style on the sides but it looks pretty good anyway I think.

What happens when I'm bored?

I made a new outfit for Sasuke! Isn't he cute? XD

Soon I have to work on my own halloween outfit.

Woooo!

I just bought a new laptop.

A new shiny Toshiba Satellite. :D

Yay. I'm happy!

Happy but broke! XD

Haiku.

Green into yellow.

Understanding the world more

can make colour fade.

Chemicals in you.

You need sunshine for your mind.

Where is my sunshine?

Lonely together.

Cold air separates people.

Winter in their hearts.

(the poet)

He is looking for

A heart of someone that won't

change with the seasons

The girl on the train.

Sits alone in the big crowd.

Autumn in the air.

Her hair is so soft.

Blown in Septembers cold wind.

Whos hand will touch it?

All haiku by Emma Hedström. Written September 11th in Tokyo.

Motivation.

I need to be motivated.

It's not easy right now though because I have this empty feeling inside.

Mental baggage building up to form a big hole of unmotivation.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go anywhere.

On the other hand.

I want to do so much. I want to talk to my friends. I want to go everywhere but here.

So what do I do?

Bitch and whine to myself because I don't think anyone else wants to hear it.

Sit at home and feel sorry for myself because no one else will.

Trying to explain myself to people just makes me realize how stupid I sound and I just feel too complicated. If I'm too complicated for myself how can any one else understand me?

Ah. That's it?

If I was simple life would be simple. I would have more friends because I would be simpler to understand. And I would be happy thinking the world was simple.

Saying how I feel to people, would that be simple? Simpler than now when I pretend to not care?

Pushing my emotions in their face instead of just letting them be and make their own choises based on their own emotions uninfluenced by me?

I think about it alot.

What's best? Holding your feelings in untill you burst and cry alone or risk bothering someone else with them?

I know, everyone says "You should talk about it. Talk to someone."

If the person got payed to listen to me whine I wouldn't have a problem. It would be their job. Something they chose. If it's a friend they don't have a choice.

Ok, this has nothing to do with motivation. I just need to rant a bit sometimes. ^^;

Yarrrrrr.

My pirate name is:

Iron Anne Rackham

A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Actually I'd rather go by the name Emma Maelstrom. It's whittier. ;)

I'm not the one.

Some days everything just feels hopeless.

Like I'll never get what I want.

Do I even know what I want? Why do I want it?

Should I give up because I think I can never have it even though I want it so much?

What can I say to get it? What can I do?

Is not just being myself enough?

Do I have to play a game?

I feel so lonely today.

The more I clean my appartment the more lonely I feel.

All this and no one to share it with.

So much to give and no one to give it to.

Heh.

Well I guess I just got too busy to blog in Japan.

I was homeless in Tokyo so I didn't really have access to a computer.

And I was tired. But I had fun.

Met some awesome people and some awful people.

Mostly awesome though.

Now I'm back in Sweden.

Nice to be home and not be homeless but I miss Japan.

I really hope I will get visits from my japanese friends soon.

I'll post more about my trip here soon. Pics and videos. :D

Sleepy now.

Kameoka!

Yesterday I went to Kameoka with Maho.
Kakurako had a job interview so she had to go to another city and be gone almost all day.

Me and Maho took the train and went to her home town in the mountains in Kyoto.
It's a really small town surrounded by mountains. Very beautiful place.
We went to her familys shrine, Obata jinja, wich is very old. Her grandfather is a priest there and a proffesor in university.
Again I got a very good fortune there! I am lucky. ^^
We took a walk in the rice fields and went to a very old cemetary. The graves didn't look the same as they do now a days.
Maho taught me a little bit more about shinto. It's very interesting I think.

When we came back to Takatsuki we met up with Sakurako at an izakaya.
Ate alot and I drank some Yamazaki whisky. :D

Tonight we're going bar hopping in Osaka, maybe.

Time to get myself ready.

Mata ne!

Rested!

Aaah. Today I just stayed in and rested. Slept a lot and listened to music.
I need to learn some new songs for karaoke. ;)

Yesterday we went to Kyoto, Arashiyama with Sakos boyfriend Yacchan and friend Kayo.
It was great! Arashiyama is so beautiful. It's below the mountains with a river running through. We hired a couple of boats and went rowing in the river. It's been a long time since I rowed a boat but I'm pretty good at it, and fast! lol
We walked through a bamboo forest and visited some temples and shrines.
I got a really good fortune at a shrine.
It said I'll meet the person I've been waiting for and my diseases will be cured. :D
I wanna believe it!

On Monday we went shopping and I finally bought a yukata. And I we went to the Suntory Yamazaki whisky distillery! Went on a guided tour and then got to taste the 12 year old Yamazaki whisky. It was really fun. I got a little tipsy. lol
I bought some whisky for my dad and the yummiest whisky cake ever!
Aah, I kinda wanna go back for another round. lol
I think I'll keep buying this whisky when I get home. And drink with sentimental nostalgia. lol

And last Sunday we went to Kyoto, met Sakos friend Mahou and saw Okuribi! It's the finally of Obon when the spirits are sent back to heaven. We saw all five fires! Daimonji was awesome. I was so happy and felt very lucky that I got to see it! Earlier that day we saw Kinkakuji. So beautiful! The whole area is super beautiful. Japanese really have the best sense for beauty I think.

And I guess it was Tuesday we went to Nara with Sakos friends Yuriko and Chiakki.
Nara park is huuuuuuge and there's deer averywhere. They're completely used to people and tame enough to pet. They're very beautiful animals.
We saw the huge bronze Buddha in Todaiji. There are some extremely beautiful temples and places there and the park is amazing. Anyone who is interested in Japan should go there!

Tomorrow I'm going with Mahou to her familys shrine in Kyoto. Obata jinja.
I want to learn more about shinto so I'll ask her to teach me. He family owns the shrine and the men of the family are priests.
Mahou has many swedish friends and has studied swedish. :D

I am amazed at how many people I've met that have visited Sweden. I really hope Sako will come visit me when I'm home again. And she can bring all her friends and her boyfriend! :D

Sako has been so amazing to me and shown me so much already. I'm so happy I came here and a bit sad I'll be leaving in a week. :./
At the same time I kind of miss Tokyo. I feel more at home there I guess. Since I've been there so many times.
If I'm lucky maybe I can stay with Kayo in Asakusa. She was really great to.
Wow, I've met so many great people here!
I am lucky.

I hope Tokyo will be as nice to me as Kanto has been.
But I have a week left and lots more to see!
I should probably go to Osaka again but honestly I didn't like it that much.
Feels just like a big city with not much to really see.
I guess it's great for shopping though. I want to go back to a store we went to and buy some more stuff there.

Ok.
I gotta sleep.

Oyasumi!

Ok, time for an update!

Since I'm not deadly tired today here's an update on what I've done so far!

When I got to Kyoto, Sakurako met me in the train station and then we went straight to Uji to see a big fireworks display!
I was really tired but it was great. I've never seen fireworks that huge and many. I think it was for like 2 hours too. Amazing!

Then we went to Sakurakos house. She lives in Takatsuki that's right in between Kyoto and Osaka. It's great and her parents are so nice. ^^
I've even got my own room with aircon, tv and stereo! It's really like a luxury hotel. lol

I slept for a long time that night.

Next day we went shopping in Kyoto. I bought alot of cool clothes. I really like japanese fashion.
Sizes haven't been a problem so far either. I'm realizing that I'm not so fat anymore. lol

Keeping my diet/lifestyle isn't as har as I thought either. But I feel like I'm being troublesome sometimes because I don't eat rice and bread. I've eaten hamburgers a couple of times. Just not the bread. But eating in an izakaya is really good cuz I can just order all sorts of meat and fish. :D

Yesterday we went to an izakaya with Sakurakos friends. 1 gork and three guys. It was really fun! A couple of them could speak english. I also met Sakurakos boyfriend. He was nice and good at singing. We wen't to karaoke after the izakaya. ^^
I impressed with my japanese song skills and my enka singing. lol
I love karaoke! :D
The guys wen't crazy and pulled their shirts off for the last song. XD
I took photos of course. ;D

Today we went shopping in Osaka. It was really crowded and felt huge. I bought some supercute shoe accesories. Like clip on shoe ornaments. Then we were looking for a swedish cafe where Sakurakos friend works but we couldn't find it. We were super hungry and looked for a place to eat for probably an hour. Finally we decided on an izakaya and we found a really nice one.
I love japanese izakaya food! Meat, meat and more meat. Lots of fat left on the meat too. :D

Tomorrow we're going to the Kyoto Handicraft Center.
I'll probably buy lots of stuff there. I love japanese handicraft. Everything is so beautiful. Japanese people have the best sense of aesthetics in the world I think.

It's soon time to buy a Yukata too. I've been looking for one but it's been hard to find a really nice one. The good thing is they're on sale now. ^^

I'd like to upload pics but I don't have a usb cable for my cam with me. I could easily buy one though. Maybe I'll do that. I already bought a new battery for my cam. Good to have two. ^^

I don't think I'll go to Okinawa. If I'm going there I should go some other time when it's less expensive. Now it's high season so plane tickets are expensive. I'd rather spend my money on a yukata this year. And I still don't know if I'll have to get a hotel in Tokyo. :/
I sent some couchsurfing requests but it's difficult to surf when I don't know what exact dates I want to stay.

But it'll work out somehow. ^^

Now it's time for bed.

Oyasumi!

The best day ever so far!?

I got to Narita airport at 8 am.
After I got my luggage I went to buy a prepaid phone. I had to wait for two hours to get it.
That was a bit annoying but I need to get a prepaid so I can mail. Mailing with a rental phone is really expensive.
After I got my phone I went to Sugamo in Tokyo to meet my friends from stickam.
Three guys. Hikaru, Pato and Jonah. First I didn't think they'd all come so I was surprised.
They're all so nice and sweet guys!
Hikaru came flying "Eeeeeeeeema" and gave me a big hug. lol
He's so energetic.
We went walking in Sugamo on the shopping street that's nicnamed "Old womans Harajuku." XD
The really only sold old peoples things anf clothes. It was fun.
We ate ramen. It was so yummy! But I didn't eat much of the noodles. I just mostly ate the pork and egg. But I got so full. I really can't eat alot anymore.
Hikaru gave me maccha as a present. Arigatou gozaimasu!
After window shopping we went and drank maccha in a small café.
I love maccha! I love Japan!!! lol
Then it was time to go to Odaiba to see the Gundam!
It was so cool! Huge! We walked between it's legs and touched it. Haha.
It had a little show with music, sound effects, lights and smoke. It really felt like it could start walking away anytime. But it can only move it's head.
We sat down in the grass and relaxed for a while and then went to Otsuka.
I was supposed to stay with someone from couchsurfing there so we went there to wait for him to call me.
In Otsuka we found an izakaya and ate and drank. We talked alot and alcohol really helps me to speak japanese. lol
After getting drunk it was all sex talk. XD So funny!
I drank some pink drink with vodka and grapefruit. It was pretty strong.
I felt like the ground was swaying. By now I'd been awake almost 48 hours so I thought I was just being tired and drunk. I felt it earlier too when we were in Sugamo.
Then there actually was an earthquake! It was pretty big. The house rocked back and forth.
It was my first time feeling an earthquake.
So that feeling I had earlier wasn't maybe just me being tired. lol
It was pretty cool but a little worrying. There is a really big one coming sometime after all.
Luckily this wasn't it.
I called my couchsurfing contact and he was late in getting to Otsuka so we stayed in the izakaya until they closed. By then we we're all pretty drunk.
Hikaru decided to let me and Pato stay at his place since my contact was so late.
So we went there and bought more drinks on the way. lol
It's a really small appartment but it was fun. We did drunk stickam live. XD
Me and Pato danced the waltz to swedish summer music I brought.
Hikaru fell alseep pretty fast so me and Pato drew on his face. lol
Then we drew on our own faces and we all looked insane. XD
I got super drunk and don't even remember what happened before I fell asleep but atleast I had removed the makeup.
And then the first day in Japan was over.

When we woke up, hungover, I took a shower and then we went out to eat breakfast in McDonalds. And then I said goodbye to Hikaru and me and Pato took the train. Then I changed lines and said bye to Pato.
I went to Tokyo station and got on the shinkansen to Kyoto to meet Sako.
But what happened efter that is another story I'll tell soon.

Today we'll go to Kyoto again.

Mata ne!

In Japan!!!!!

OMG, I'm so happy to be back in Japan.
Yesterday might have been the best day ever.
Hikaru, Pato, Jonah, Sugamo, samen, maccha, Gundam, izakaya, earthquake and alot of alcohol. lol
Today was hangover, rain, Shinkansen, Kyoto, Sakurako, Fireworks show!
I will write in detail about it later. Now I'm so tired. I need sleep.

Oyasumi!

Aaaaah!

Time to go to bed, get five/four hours sleep and then get going early tomorrow!

Yay!

Wow. Maybe I'll find Him. lol

A horoscope for next month.

The Lunar Eclipse of August 5 is about behind-the-scenes action and meets up with a healing trio of planets of which Jupiter is part of the team. Jupiter in that behind-the-scenes place acts as an angel on your shoulder. On August 19 that same Jupiter forms an aspect of fate with the restrictive Saturn, a long-time resident of the house of the partner. It could be the angel whispering in your ear is also guiding the two of you to a long-awaited happy ending. August 20 brings a dramatic New Moon in Leo and a spotlight is turned on your romantic life. You've been waiting for this month for a long time Pisces, so enjoy its bounty.

Exiting. Haha!

By the way. I believe horoscopes only work if you read them. It's power of suggestion and maybe a little of The Secret. So I will keep this in mind. ^.~

Only 4 days left!

On Sunday I'll finally be back in Japan!

I think I've got most of my packing ready and I can't wait to go!

My horoscope for next week said everyone will like me and I'll even find sweet love. lol

I wonder who that could be! Haha!

It aslo said I'd get some extra cash so it was an exellent horoscope. ^^

I'll be meeting a friend from stickam when I arrive in Tokyo. We're going to Sugamo wich is like old peoples town. lol I just read about it in my guide book and the shopping street is nicknamed Old ladys Harajuku. XD

Also there's a big japanese garden there that I wanna see. So that'll be fun!

Then I guess we should go see the damn Gundam. lol

I found a place to sleep through couchsurfing so I'm not too worried about that anymore.

Just now I was printing out railway maps of tokyo. Ahh I miss the JR trains. lol

I might be sick in the head but I miss the old, shaky Yamanote line the most. XD

I might have some problems getting people to understand why I don't eat rice. In japan it's like "No rice, no life" lol

But now I can say it's cuz of my RA.

Aaah it's already 12pm!! I gotta go wash my hair. I really need to cut it too. I'll do that in Japan!

Work is a bitch and hate it as always. >.<

Only two and a half hours until I'm there again. T_T

Oh well.

The next six weeks will be heaven. lol

Then I guess this will become a travel blog! :D

Peace!

Ten days left!

Exited and a bit nervous about my trip to Japan!

Meeting alot of people this time (I hope!) and some I've only talked to briefly online. >.<

I trust all of them not to be psychos though. lol

I'm worried about the heat. My skin might go crazy like last time. Huge acne warning! :(

If that happens again I'll go to a salon and maybe they can help me.

I'll go to a salon here before I go and get a big treatment that might help prevent any disasters.

I just sent some requests on www.couchsurfing.com . Hoping to surf in Okinawa and Tochigi.

But first thing to see when I get there is the GUNDAM! lol

Ja mata ne!

radwimps

Watch this. It'll make you feel good. ^____________^

ONE OK ROCK

My favourite band right now. I'm in love with his voice.

I wish I could see them live in Japan in September. Maybe I can go with a friend.

There's a storm blowing in.

I'm hungry.

Tired.

Lonely.

Sad.

I wish I could sleep for three weeks.

In swedish!

Still don't wanna talk about it.

Doing things to keep my mind busy.

Updated the karaoke playlist with five new versions of old song!

Get IMEEM to listen to the full versions.

Gonna play some FFXII now.

I'm dreading going to work on monday.

Everyone might have found out about me by then.

Work is the worst place to be for me right now.

Everythings physical so I'm constantly reminded that my fingers hurt and the thoughts and worries just build up in my head.

I gotta get through it though.

Three more weeks and then I'll be in Japan. <3

I hope I can meet all my friends there.

I miss them.

Crap

I just found out I have rheumatoid arthritis. :(

It occurs in 1% of the population so I feel like I just won the lottery...OF CRAP!

Maybe I should go play on the real lottery since I seem to be so lucky?

Hello another unexplainable disease.

Thanks.

D:

Working full time sucks!!!

Every day I'm so tired.

The weather sucks too and I think I'm getting a cold.

To survive this month of full time hell I'm gonna need alot of good music and chocolate!

And time to rest in the weekends. and to think of the money I'm making.

Been invited to a party tomorrow but I don't know if I'll go. It might be fun but...

...maybe I can't enjoy it. :/ For a couple of reasons. Secret ones.

Last night I had a dream about Onch! That was fun. :D

He was like my collegue but not where I work now. He was in an office and I walked in like "Hey Onch ^^)

And we went out. Going down a spiral staircase by sliding down the "pole" in the middle and not actually walking on the stairs. o.0 And then I don't remember much but we were outside and at some point we were scared of something. lol

Anyway it was so fun hanging out with Onch in my dream. XD

I wanna hunt ghosts.

\(^.^)/

Happy birthday Gackt!

The weather has been so nice I haven't had time to blog for a few days.

Anyway I'm too lazy to blog right now.

Later!

Party @ P.Os

Me and Majsan in a cage. We never found out what it was actually for. XD

It was fun.
We love meat! ;D
The party outfit.

Dress: MQ

Tights: Cubus

Shoes: DonnA girl

Belt: I've had it for so long I don't remember where it's from.

Jewelry: Zonza

My outfit today.

Emmasamas fashion show part 1! ;)

T-shirt from Pride + Joy, my friends band. Modified by me.

Cardigan from cubus.

Shorts from second hand. Brand: Off the lip. (whatever that is) o.0

Belt from a skirt from H&M.

Socks from Indiska.

Shoes from Vagabond.

Yellow necklace by me.

Hang bear from hang bear. o.0

My kitchen is full of filth. D: Sorry. lol

The view from my bedroom window.

Pretty! ^^

My Tsuru.

Took some pics of my earrings. Need a better camera. More pics soon!

I want my perfect skin back.

I want my skin to look like it did when I was a teenager.

I didn't have acne then. I want my skin back to the way it was before it was ruined by hormones or depression or the crap I was eating or whatever it was that fucked everything up. :(

Now it feels like it'll never recover even though the worst acne has gone.

I still have little bumps and clogged pores everywhere.

Yes, I clean my face. I even go to a dermatologist twice a month. I eat well and I drink alot of water.

So when is my skin gonna clear up? Am I doomed to have this crap skin for the rest of my life?

I would love to not need tons of make-up everyday to cover up.

Anyway...I think my new favourite colour is yellow.

I love Gintama!

Blergh.

I started feeling weak and dizzy today around noon. 

I still went to work. Ever the optimist I thought I'd get better.

On the bus to work I was afraid I'd faint. Anyway I went to work still dizzy and thought maybe after I've eaten I'll feel better. I just got nauseous after eating.

I went home. 

Apparently alot of people have been feeling dizzy lately so maybe it's some virus or something.

Silly me.

Gackts new single is awesome.

Just wanted to say that. *feeling fangirly* XD

Today has been just another day in the endless seeming row of days in my life.

Work...sucks.

But I had Gackt in my ear the whole day long and that made it better. ;)

I really wanna loose more weight. It's too slow! >.<

Maybe I cheat too much. I haven't really figured out how to eat alot of fat yet.

I can't just eat fat. I can drink cream but that has some sugar in it.

I need to really try harder to eat more fat and stay away from anything with carbs.

Lately I've been eating alot of bbq chicken. But that's mostly protein. I need more fat. XD

I wanna be skinny when I go to Japan this year.

I only have two months to do it. >.<

Theoretically I should be able to loose atleast 8kg in that time. Then I would definately be skinny.

My BMI is now normal. 25 I think last time I checked. So I still have some room for improvement. ;)

My biggest weakness is chocolate.

Wow, that was some shallow thoughts. ;P

But even I have those.

It's just that I've never been thin so I'd like to know what it's like.

Atleast now I can really feel that happening someday in the not too far distant future. :D

There is hope!

Good night!

The sun is shining...

...but it's raining.

My thumb hurts. It's red and swollen and I have no idea why. >.<

So I am now left handed and a bit handicapped.

I'm always hurting somewhere.

You're responsible for your own happiness. Total rant.

Something I've been thinking about today is how sometimes I've heard people say "You're responsible for other peoples happiness".

That we have to consider everones feelings before we do something. 

That we should always think about others happiness.

I think it's all bullshit.

YOU should be responsible for YOUR own happiness.

Don't go blaming others if you're not happy. Your emotions are yours.

Take control of your own happiness. Don't expect others to do it for you!

Of course others can bring you happiness but don't count on it. You'll get hurt.

This is something I believe but at the same time I still try to please others.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Of course making others happy can also make me happy.

Isn't that just why I do it then? To selfishly make myself happy?

I want to believe that.

But now I'm starting to think I do it because I don't trust other ppl to make their own happiness. Maybe in my heart I actually believe that I'm better than most ppl and therfore I have to be nice to them? Hmm.

I guess that's better than thinking I'm better than most ppl and being an asshole to them. lol

Just because I think I'm better than most ppl doesn't mean I think I'm perfect.

I have problems with not being selfish enough. Not seeing to my needs before others.

The opposite of my own filosophy about happiness responsibility.

I'm just a mess off contradiction. A coward who can't make her mind up?

But I think I'm getting better at making my own happiness.

A couple of years ago I was an expert at making my own unhappiness though.

But I knew it. I just didn't wanna feel better. I wanted to be wrapped in the safe blanket of hurt.

To know I would cry every night. There's a strange comfort in that. 

Feelings are so complicated.

If everyone could just decide to take responsibility for their own feelings. 

Don't let yourself be hurt by others. Don't be offended by what others think about you.

Those should not be you feelings. That's other ppls feelings and they have nothing to do with you.

Think about it for a while. What do YOU feel about YOURSELF?

Are those your feelings or did you get them from somebody else?

Even if it's from an insult or flattey.

If we can peel away all that and get to the core of ourself what would happen?

Would there be some kind of feeling there? The first basic emotion?

What would it be? Love? 

Wouldn't that be cool?

But it's probably something more like greed. Or there could be nothing.

I might be on to something here? 

I don't want to think we're just the product of other ppls opinions about us. 

I don't want to be that. 

Wow, my head is just so full of thoughts today. 

Can't get everything out. XD

There was something else I wanted to write about but I forgot.

I could go thinking about this happiness thing all day now. 

I just want to be happy.

I should stop thinking. ;)

Is anyone reading this?

Hey, you! 

Whoever you are. If you're reading this please drop a comment and let me know.

Nothing fancy, just anything.

I just wanna know if anyone's reading my blog. ^^

Thanks.

Feelings suck...no feelings suck worse?

My shoulder is better. Think it's pretty much healed. So that's good.

Today I just feel so bored though.

Like I feel bored and understimulated but I don't wanna do anything. Even if I do something the feeling won't go away.

I feel lonely and empty but there's noone I wanna be with. 

I feel drained.  I feel like something's missing.

I can't ride my bike to work because there are storm winds today and it's probably gonna start raining as soon as I step out the door. It has happened before.

It would be the perfect scene for my mood today though.

Feel like I should have a raincloud following over my head all day.

How wierd is it to feel this way but at the same time not really wanting to feel happier?

I think I need days like this sometimes. Atleast in this mood I feel no stress at all.

I don't care about anything. I don't wanna get involved.

I just wanna float around on my raincloud, look down on the world and not feel like a part of it.

I think I know what it is I need when I feel this way. But there's noone here who can give it to me. And I don't like needing something from others. But I just can't comfort myself.

I'm not talking about sex.

Just over an hour left before I have to go to work. 

Damn. 

I miss...something.

PAIN! D.:

Yesterday I got a serious pain in my left shoulder. It's been creeping up on me all week at work. I took some painkillers and tried to rest but today it was even worse. I almost cried. Because of this I haven't been able to sleep very well. Tonight I think I got like four hours sleep. :(

I talked to my mom and she said it's probably an inflammation in my muscle or tendons. She had it and the pain she described fit. Basically it hurts like hell. It hurts as much as my broken coller bone did. Maybe even more without the painkillers. >.<

I called the doctor anyway and talked to a nurse. She said I should eat anti inflammatory painkillers and rest. 

The "fun" part yesterday was I couldn't do anything. 

I really wanted burgers but it's really hard making burgers with only one arm. >.<

So I ate chocolate and was hungry almost the whole day. I cooked some bacon and eggs 'cause that was easy. But I wanted burgers. I had all the ingridients in the fridge.

So today I called my parents and my mom helped me cook and clean. Thanks mom! :D

They also gave me some strong painkillers so I think I'll be able to sleep tonight.

Tomorrow I was gonna go to a party but now I can't. And I can't work next week.

Kinda sucks because I need the money. 

Anyway, after my parents left I've just been bumming out on the sofa watching old House eps.

I love House and I want some of that vicodin now! ;P

Now I'm gonna piss off to bed. ;P

Night!

Photoshop fun!

So I took a pic of myself. I am wearing make-up but not alot. I liked the pic so I played with it in photoshop. What I fixed could have also been done with make-up and better lighting. 

The funny thing is I think the photoshopped pic looks more like me. Like how I see myself. XD

Photoshop is fun! :D

Tickets booked! :D

Yay, finally I booked my ticket to Japan!

I'll be there from August 9th to September 18th. :D

It'll be the longest vacation in Japan I've had. Hopefully they'll keep getting longer and longer until one day I'm actually living there. ;) Haha!

First I'm going to Osaka for a couple of weeks.

I'm gonna buy a cute yukata and celebrate obon with my friend. Finally I can go to a matsuri! 

Can't wait!!

And maybe after that I'll go to Okinawa for a few days. I really want to go there so I hope that won't be too expensive.

After that I might go couchsurfing in Tochigi. I love the countryside and I know a great place in the middle of nowhere where I can couchsurf. While I'm there I'll go to Nikko.

Then I'm going to Tokyo for the rest of my trip to hang out with my friends. <3

And shop! XD

Oooooh I'm so exited! lol

Sweden <3 Japan = true

I was watching this awesome okinawan enka song.  Then it struck me that the rythem and sound of the strings sounded very similar to a type of swedish folk musik. "Gånglåt" I thought.

So I searched youtube for "gånglåt" to compare. And what do I find?!

This!! :D

And japanese ppl dancing swedish folkdance. Wearing traditional clothes and everything! lol

I was very surprised. And I guess it strengthened my theory that maybe our traditional music is not so different!

And it made me wanna dance folkdance again. I used to do it when I was a kid. It's fun!

Also I used to play that song on the violin. "Gånglåt från Äppelbo"

But this next song is more what I was thinking about when I heared the enka song.

Anyway.

I feel awesome. lol

Good night!

Enka!

This is one of my favourite songs right now. Mikawa Kenichi is awesome!

I wanna be an enka singer in Japan. :D

Lately I've been listening to enka alot. I really like it. Especially the more traditional sounding older songs.

I'm so tired today and I hurt my arm somehow. It just hurts. I don't know why.

I feel like singing really loud right now but I don't think my neighbours would like that. ;)

Anyway I'm gonna make another cup of tea. Sencha <3

And eventually I'll go to bed.

LOL

see more Celeb Look-A-Likes

I need more time!

There's not enough hours in a day.

I want to study japanese but I want  to be good at singing so I'm doing that instead.

Improving my voice and skill is something I've always wanted to do.

I wanna be a good singer! I know I'm not bad but I'm far from great. lol

Singing lessons would be awesome. I need to learn some techniques I think.

I post the stuff I'm fairly pleased with in the playlist at the bottom of this page.

Still needs alot of work. XD

I think my diet is going good.

I'm so gonna win! :D I hope.

Rawr!

Twitter anyone?

http://twitter.com/Emma_sama

Hardcore

Yesterday I started a competition with a friend at work. The aim is to loose 5kg in four weeks. She's already skinny, I think, so I don't know how she's gonna do it but I accepted her challenge. 

She doesn't really believe I can do it on my diet I guess.

Unfourtunately I had just bought some cream and yoghurt that I gotta eat before I can start my hardcore protein and fat diet. But I think I can still loose the weight in three and a half week. ;)

Anyway it's good motivation.

I haven't really thought I needed to loose that much wieght that fast but now it's a challenge and I can't resist! lol

I really don't have a problem eating bacon and eggs for four weeks anyway. :D

Today when I woke up I feel like I have a cold coming on. :( 

Maybe it's the swine flu and I'm going to die! D:

Probably not though. :P

Staying home from work might be good but I don't think I can do that.

:/

Sakura!!!

Well maybe not real sakura, I dunno. 

But it's so beautiful!

This tree is right outside my house next to my balcony. :D

Summer is here.

Majsan är galen. XD

Good day!

Today I made a new friend. :D

Totemo tanoshikatta yo!  

Arigatou Sakurako. ^^

We went shopping and I bought alot of clothes. Most of is was on sale. It was so cheap it was practically free! lol 

I bought a skirt a dress and a top at H&M.

At New Yorker I bought a scarf and a sweater.

The only expensive thing I bought was a top at MQ. But I couldn't resist it. It's super cool and so me. :D It's black and white leopard print. ;) 

Now I won't buy anymore clothes until next months salary. (I hope) lol

My uncle is gonna get me some super expensive turkish tea from his friend. 

It's like 900kr/hg! That's like 100$ for 100 grams! :O

It seems kinda complicated to brew it but I just have to try it.

I wonder what it tastes like to be so insanely expensive. 

Also my earings are selling really well. I'm so happy that japanese people seem to really like them. :D Maybe I can sell them in Japan. 

Ahhh, today I have eaten alot of sugar. Way too much. I actually have a headache now.

Sugar pain. But I had to eat some chocolate. And the food I ate downtown probably wasn't so good either. But it's only for today.

Tomorrow I'll go back to eating my burgers. lol

Mata ne!

Bleh.

Atleast I found 10kr on my way to work.
But that was the highlight of the whole day.

I think I sleep too much.

Oh, but this week I can blame EVERYTHING on PMS. ;P
Well, my mood atleast.
I have a hard time at work during my "special week". :P
I just can't stand other peoples stupidity the way I can usually just shrug it off and tell myself it has nothing to do with me. But at work it does. Use your brains people. Please!

So now I'm probably gonna go and be annoyed and irritated for a few days. Yay.
Hormones, gotta love them. >.<

Work, work, work.

Going to work today after having four days off kinda sucked.
Not that the actual work I did there sucked. I actually had a pretty good time and even laughed so much I got a headache. I might get sore abs tomorrow too. lol
It's just waking up in the morning and knowing I had to go to work that sucked.
I feel like I need four more days.

I wish I didn't need a job. I wish I was rich.
I should try to find some rich guy to marry. lol
I'd be a great housewife.
Yeah, I want a hot, rich, japanese (cuz japanese guys are the hottest) husband.
I'd even do naked apron for him. lol ;P
But then again, I never really wanna get married.
Hmm.

Well I have money in the bank. But I'm really gonna need it if I'm going to Japan in August.
Maybe I should look for a rich husband while I'm there. ;) lol
And then I wouldn't come home.

Why do I always fight going to bed after I get home from work? Sometimes I feel sorry for my brain. It probably needs rest because of all the stimulation it gets and all the knowledge a pack into it every day. Yeah, I love to learn about interesting things.
Like yesterday I watched a tv program about if birds are decendants of dinosaurs. It was very interesting. I always though the probably are and turns out they are. So that's cool.
We're still living in the age of dinosaurs. Because there are more species of birds in the world than mammals. I'm gonna start thinking "Hey, a dinosaur!" whenever I see a bird now! Ok, maybe not. ;P

Also I decided to stop believing anything the media says. It's all just lies and crap.

Tomorrow I have a facial booked so I can't sleep too long. Damn.

You learn something new every day.

I just watched this movie about global warming.
Well, actually, I watched two movies but that was the best one.

If you care about the planet you should watch it.
It might surprise you to know there's no problem.

I've been thinking this before, "hasn't the temperature always gone up and down? Isn't it natural?", but then you get this message from the media that we're causing the warming with CO2 emissions. So I though it's probably our fault this time then. We're horribly destroying the planet, right?
Wrong!
Global warming has nothing to do with humans. We're not causing it. It's the sun and it's totally natural. And don't worry about the polar bears. They've survived warmer climates through the earths history. ;)

If you think I'm full of crap just watch the movie and then tell me I'm full of it.

The political part of this global scam is just sad. And it's, as usual, only about money.
And how this is preventing third world countries from developing is even more sad.

There are worse things we are doing to the planet.
Like pollution. I think that's a bigger problem. Forget the CO2. It's irrelivant.
Think more about the unnatural chemichals we release every day into nature.

Anyway. Have a look at the movie and get climate smart for real! ;)

Chocolate!

I made chocolate today. Three different kinds of pralines.
Oolong tea, Pistacchio and Earl Gray.
Funny thing is I don't want to eat it at all. I made it with 70% and 90% cocoa chocolate but it's just so sweet. I don't feel like eating anything sweet today.
I prefer my burgers!
I've been eating burgers for like two weeks and I still love them. I ate two today.
I make them from scratch. Two packs of pork mince and one pack of beef mince, spices, cream and eggs. I eat them with cheddar cheese, bacon and burger dressing. NO bread. I wrapped them in a salad leaf. It's the best burgers ever. I feel like I can eat them for the rest of my life.
Best thing about it is I lost 1kg this week on my burger diet. ;) Yay!

Tonight my friend is coming over. We might make more chocolate.

Tomorrow I'm going to eat easter food at my parents again. I'll give them most of the chocolate I think. Maybe I should give some to my neighbours. They bring me bread lately. Although I just give it away cuz I don't eat bread. I'm still too polite to tell them that though. lol
Today I said "Ahh I don't think I can accept anymore now. I don't eat alot of bread." And he said "Oh, it will be a while till next time. I don't want you to get fat." lol XD
Well that was nice of him anyway. So now I gotta have some friends over and make them eat it. ;)

I can just warn them that it's bad for their health. They decide if they care or not.

Do you care?

Velvet Easter

Today I ate lots of meat! :D
Deer! It was so yummy with lots of cream sauce. <3

But I also ate some chocolate cake wich I think gave me a headache.
I just gotta stay away from sugar. It wasn't all that yummy anyway. The meat was way tastier! lol

I studied alot of japanese these past few days.
I do it online on a site called smart.fm . It's really good.
I've gotten through the first two basic courses and started on the third.
I'm proud that I already knew the meaning of most of the words.
But I have to work on grammar.
Ganbarimasu!

Tomorrow I'll try to make chocolate.

Oyasumi

You fondle my trigger then you blame my gun.

(title from Fiona Apples song Limp)

So it's easter.
Time to celebrate fertility with eggs and rabbits. I don't "celebrate" Jesus.
I don't really think christianity has anything to do with easter. I'm a viking. I'm a pagan I guess.
We already celebrated this time of year so they just put their easter here instead to take over.
I don't believe in God but I believe in eggs and rabbits! :D

Eggs are great by the way. Full of vitamins and healthy stuff. You can't eat too many eggs!
But buy the organic ones!

I'm going to my family to eat dinner and stuff. That's nice.
I just wanna take it easy this weekend.

Last weekend I tried to drink a bottle of whine. I drank almost the whole bottle and then I had to go and undrink it. ;) Eww.
I'm not gonna try to drink a whole bottle of whine again soon.
With my new diet I guess my body has become so detoxed it just can't handle too much alcohol anymore. I never had this problem before. But I guess it's actually a good thing.
I don't drink very often anyway.
I had a great time anyway last weekend.

Well, one day left at work and then it's finally the weekend!

Today I had a goth theme on my make-up. Just because I felt like it. I'm not goth. But it was fun and everyone loved my lipstick. It's totally blood red and super awesome.

Oh, tomorrow I have to dress up a little as a witch (påskkärring). It's a swedish tradition (for kids) to dress up as witches and go beg for candy. Easter is Swedens halloween. I'm not gonna beg for candy. I don't eat candy. ;P Just gonna do it for fun at work.

I could write forever but I'm tired so I gotta go sleep.

Oyasumi~

Ipred borde vara ett dåligt aprilskämt.

Öppna era trådlösa nätverk!

www.stoppaipred.nu

Better go to bed now before I get hungry again.

I am tired I just don't feel like sleeping and making monday turn into tuesday although it does get me closer to saturday...hmm.
Tomorrow is a busy day.
First a facial at the beauty salon. :D
Then a meeting with my job team...probably a boring meeting.
Then work. >.<
I don't have any food ready so I don't know when I will have time to cook tomorrow.
Maybe between the salon and the meeting.
I'd really like to make burgers again.
But I'll probably eat just bacon and eggs tomorrow.

Haha so totally uninteresting this blog post but, whatever. XD

Nobody reads this anyway, right?

Earth hour.

That was nice huh? ^^

I think we should have earth hour every month. Or every week even.

Myspace.

Yes, I have it. Why not check it out?
http://www.myspace.com/emma_sama

GO TO DMC! GO TO DMC! GO TO DMC!

I just watched the Detroit Metal City movie.
It pretty much rocks.
I put some of the songs in my playlist here below the posts.
My favourite is the first song on the playlist. It's called "Death Penis". lol
The lyrics, I think, are better left untranslated. XD
I actually think many of the DMC songs are really good. The lyrics are crack though. But funny as hell! Almost makes me want to get raped by Krauser-san. lol
But the song that really gets stuck in my head (agains my will) is Negishis "Amai koibito". Haha! That song is more evil. ;P
If you don't know what Detroit Metal City is, google it!

My tea lounge.

My chinese chairs in my tea lounge! <3

Need

I found a really good song. I put it here so please listen to it. I really love it.

Today I'm just being really lazy. On days like this when I'm at home all alone I think alot. And I feel pretty lonely today.
I'm kindof romantic and I miss having someone to be with romantically.

I'm not in love with anyone. I have some boys I'd like to meet but they're on the other side of the world.

Even though I went through hell last time I'd really like to fall in love again.
But I don't do it easily anymore. I'm too...old? Wise maybe. ;)
Only fools fall in love right? :P

If I had a hot guy here right now I'd *****. lol

28

And so I'm a year older.
Don't really feel it. ^^

Had a very nice birthday with family and then a party with friends.

I got some beautiful orchids that I really feel like I have to take care of now.




Getting some new plants always inspire me to take better care of the ones I have. Haha.
Today I made sure my poor old orchids we're watered and fed. I also planted some seeds.
A few carambola and some persimons. I hope they grow.
I used to have a pretty big mango tree that I planted myself but unfourtunately it died. :(
I do have a huge avocado tree in my livingroom that my mom planted and gave me. Also some other interesting plants that are growing very big.
People often get impressed with my big plants but all I really do is water them and sometimes I don't even do that for weeks. lol I don't do anything special to make them grow I think. I guess I just have green thumbs. ^^

I feel this new year of my life will be the best one yet!

\(^.^)/

My hobby!

Rawr!

I got my chairs! <3

I'm preparing mentally for my birthday. Not cause I feel like I'm getting old but I'm always going though everything I have to do. Bake a cake from scratch, clean, stuff I have to make forthe party, who will come?, what kind of presents do I want? lol
Always when I'm asked "What would you like for your birthday?" my mind goes blank. I'm making a wish list now so I can remember. There are a few things I need so I'll wish for those. Like green plants for my window.

Also I'm trying to figure out when to have my vacation this year. I really have to go to Japan. If I don't I might die. lol
So right now I'm thinking late august/ beginning of september. It was a great time when I went in 2007. Although it's so fucking hot then. But june/july is rainy season. Last year I went in july and it really rained alot. Hot and rainy.
I miss the cicadas in august. They're so cute.
I hope I can meet all my friends there too.
I'm thinking of trying couchsurfing for when I go so I don't have to stay in a hotel the whole time. But if I have a crisis there's always 24h open internet cafés. ;)

It's been snowing all day. I like it but it's cold.

(^.^)/~