Party @ P.Os

Me and Majsan in a cage. We never found out what it was actually for. XD

It was fun.
We love meat! ;D
The party outfit.

Dress: MQ

Tights: Cubus

Shoes: DonnA girl

Belt: I've had it for so long I don't remember where it's from.

Jewelry: Zonza

My outfit today.

Emmasamas fashion show part 1! ;)

T-shirt from Pride + Joy, my friends band. Modified by me.

Cardigan from cubus.

Shorts from second hand. Brand: Off the lip. (whatever that is) o.0

Belt from a skirt from H&M.

Socks from Indiska.

Shoes from Vagabond.

Yellow necklace by me.

Hang bear from hang bear. o.0

My kitchen is full of filth. D: Sorry. lol

The view from my bedroom window.

Pretty! ^^

My Tsuru.

Took some pics of my earrings. Need a better camera. More pics soon!

I want my perfect skin back.

I want my skin to look like it did when I was a teenager.

I didn't have acne then. I want my skin back to the way it was before it was ruined by hormones or depression or the crap I was eating or whatever it was that fucked everything up. :(

Now it feels like it'll never recover even though the worst acne has gone.

I still have little bumps and clogged pores everywhere.

Yes, I clean my face. I even go to a dermatologist twice a month. I eat well and I drink alot of water.

So when is my skin gonna clear up? Am I doomed to have this crap skin for the rest of my life?

I would love to not need tons of make-up everyday to cover up.

Anyway...I think my new favourite colour is yellow.

I love Gintama!

Blergh.

I started feeling weak and dizzy today around noon. 

I still went to work. Ever the optimist I thought I'd get better.

On the bus to work I was afraid I'd faint. Anyway I went to work still dizzy and thought maybe after I've eaten I'll feel better. I just got nauseous after eating.

I went home. 

Apparently alot of people have been feeling dizzy lately so maybe it's some virus or something.

Silly me.

Gackts new single is awesome.

Just wanted to say that. *feeling fangirly* XD

Today has been just another day in the endless seeming row of days in my life.

Work...sucks.

But I had Gackt in my ear the whole day long and that made it better. ;)

I really wanna loose more weight. It's too slow! >.<

Maybe I cheat too much. I haven't really figured out how to eat alot of fat yet.

I can't just eat fat. I can drink cream but that has some sugar in it.

I need to really try harder to eat more fat and stay away from anything with carbs.

Lately I've been eating alot of bbq chicken. But that's mostly protein. I need more fat. XD

I wanna be skinny when I go to Japan this year.

I only have two months to do it. >.<

Theoretically I should be able to loose atleast 8kg in that time. Then I would definately be skinny.

My BMI is now normal. 25 I think last time I checked. So I still have some room for improvement. ;)

My biggest weakness is chocolate.

Wow, that was some shallow thoughts. ;P

But even I have those.

It's just that I've never been thin so I'd like to know what it's like.

Atleast now I can really feel that happening someday in the not too far distant future. :D

There is hope!

Good night!

The sun is shining...

...but it's raining.

My thumb hurts. It's red and swollen and I have no idea why. >.<

So I am now left handed and a bit handicapped.

I'm always hurting somewhere.

You're responsible for your own happiness. Total rant.

Something I've been thinking about today is how sometimes I've heard people say "You're responsible for other peoples happiness".

That we have to consider everones feelings before we do something. 

That we should always think about others happiness.

I think it's all bullshit.

YOU should be responsible for YOUR own happiness.

Don't go blaming others if you're not happy. Your emotions are yours.

Take control of your own happiness. Don't expect others to do it for you!

Of course others can bring you happiness but don't count on it. You'll get hurt.

This is something I believe but at the same time I still try to please others.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Of course making others happy can also make me happy.

Isn't that just why I do it then? To selfishly make myself happy?

I want to believe that.

But now I'm starting to think I do it because I don't trust other ppl to make their own happiness. Maybe in my heart I actually believe that I'm better than most ppl and therfore I have to be nice to them? Hmm.

I guess that's better than thinking I'm better than most ppl and being an asshole to them. lol

Just because I think I'm better than most ppl doesn't mean I think I'm perfect.

I have problems with not being selfish enough. Not seeing to my needs before others.

The opposite of my own filosophy about happiness responsibility.

I'm just a mess off contradiction. A coward who can't make her mind up?

But I think I'm getting better at making my own happiness.

A couple of years ago I was an expert at making my own unhappiness though.

But I knew it. I just didn't wanna feel better. I wanted to be wrapped in the safe blanket of hurt.

To know I would cry every night. There's a strange comfort in that. 

Feelings are so complicated.

If everyone could just decide to take responsibility for their own feelings. 

Don't let yourself be hurt by others. Don't be offended by what others think about you.

Those should not be you feelings. That's other ppls feelings and they have nothing to do with you.

Think about it for a while. What do YOU feel about YOURSELF?

Are those your feelings or did you get them from somebody else?

Even if it's from an insult or flattey.

If we can peel away all that and get to the core of ourself what would happen?

Would there be some kind of feeling there? The first basic emotion?

What would it be? Love? 

Wouldn't that be cool?

But it's probably something more like greed. Or there could be nothing.

I might be on to something here? 

I don't want to think we're just the product of other ppls opinions about us. 

I don't want to be that. 

Wow, my head is just so full of thoughts today. 

Can't get everything out. XD

There was something else I wanted to write about but I forgot.

I could go thinking about this happiness thing all day now. 

I just want to be happy.

I should stop thinking. ;)